I grew up as a fairly awkward girl. I had terrible timing with responses, I never knew the right timing to do anything, and was probably one of the most sensitive people on the planet. But even at a young age, I knew how to do one thing perfectly. Love.
I love hard. I love out loud, in your face, announce it to the world and let everyone know how important you are in my life kind of love. To this day I tell my friends as well as my family that I love them every time we talk. I have told strangers that as well, because I feel required by God to love people. All people.
However, my romantic life was lacking. I had suitors, there were options, and I had been promised forever by a few of them. Secretly, I was a girl who thought marriage or any kind of planned future was the scariest thing in the world. I was fairly independent and liked my life the way I liked it. At one point I was in college and working three jobs. I was exhausted past the point of any reason and to me back then, that was better than tying myself to anyone else. A guy I dated once said to me, “You’re like the guy in the relationship sometimes, Becky.”
If I was committed to someone I gave them everything I had. The five love languages were expressed and often. And not just one, but all. I am not a gift receiver, but I get immense pleasure from gifting something, often meaningful, to someone and watching them smile. I went overboard with quality time because I wanted them to know I was there, involved, and present. Physical touch-great! I can cuddle for hours and love it. Movie night, blankets and popcorn-Heaven. Acts of service? I’ll plan dates and make dinner while putting your laundry away without complaint. Words of affirmation? I excel in this area. I can build up someone with words that would make a king blush. And actually mean them, I don’t give out compliments that are untrue. If I have ever told you something positive, you can believe that it is sincere.
I have finally, at forty-six years old, finally realized why I love to this extent. And it’s a simple answer but a scary one to admit to. It’s because I need to be loved this much, and often. Not to be smothered, I can’t stand that, but to be made to feel important. I need to feel sexy and loved, I need to be told that I’ve done something well or that an effort was appreciated, and I need to have someone want to spend time with me just because they enjoy my company.
When I married, I was forty-one. My husband is my age and neither of us had been married before and I think by the time we got together neither of us thought anything about marriage. We were two very independent people. And surprisingly, we got engaged quickly in 2019, moved in shortly after, and married in 2021.
I had lived with a couple of guys I dated in the past. And honestly had been fairly happy with that arrangement. Jason and I loved each other,. we were engaged then and we were committed to each other. Setting the wedding date wasn’t a priority at this time for me. But when Jason and I made the decision to live together, I was getting closer in my walk with the Lord. And when that happens sometimes you feel conviction when you are doing something halfway. And for the first time all I could hear was, “If this is your decision then you follow through and you get married. No more playing house.” Okay, Lord. I gotcha. I had two kids by this time that my husband happily played dad to, even though this was a huge adjustment for him. He never wanted a family and now I was moving in with two little girls and we set the wedding date shortly thereafter.
My husband and I are different. Almost entirely. I still love out loud, and hard. Hand-written notes? I do them. Surprise gifts? I sure do! Hugs, kisses and snuggles? Mm-hmm. Rent a movie he likes, try making a dinner he talked about, be as good of a daughter in-law and granddaughter in-law as I could be. In events he couldn’t be there, I would represent the family for him until he could be. I am his cheerleader. Words of affirmation? He probably hates how often I tell him how handsome he is or how happy I am that he chose me to be his wife.
My husband is an incredible introvert. I’ve never really seen anything like it before. But he can be in his office for hours, alone, completely content. I used to be incredibly offended by this. “Why don’t you want to be up here with me?” “Why don’t you come do this with us?” I felt like it was the most ridiculous thing for me to have to ask him to do something with me when all he had to do was make the decision to be with me. When I have to ask for someone’s time, to me it feels forced. And I feel like quality time is only meaningful if the person wants to spend time with you on their own, and not because you asked them to. My husband thinks differently, his thoughts are “You asked and I’m here. What’s the problem?
This is where I admit I am overly sensitive. I have a daily, and I mean daily, struggle with my self-esteem. I second guess myself all the time. But I now know that I need to be loved like I love, but I don’t need it in extreme measures. He can look at me and smile, and I melt. Even now., seven years later. He can tell me I look pretty or nice in something and that makes me feel like I must really be something because a guy I find so incredibly attractive said something complimentary to me when it wasn’t forced or asked for. He doesn’t write hand written notes but sometimes a sweet text will come rough and that’s enough. I need to feel loved and will feel loved when there is effort, non-forced and genuine effort. Hand written notes and compliments and all those things I do are little, nothing huge, but it’s an effort. I make an effort every day to do or say something that will make him feel loved, seen, or heard.
My husband loves me, but he does not love out loud like I do. His efforts aren’t like mine and they are subtle. I am someone who needs my energy matched in all things to feel like I am being met halfway. This is another area I struggle in. It has taken almost fifty years to learn my flaws and learn to love others around them and be able to vocalize what I need and why I need it. It makes me feel weak sometimes but I finally feel like I am able to know that I deserve have what I want and what I need and that that isn’t selfish. It’s necessary.
It sounds crazy and the girl I was even ten years ago would have told you learning the five love languages is crazy. Finding out what you need didn’t matter as much as giving the other person what they needed. I did that in every other relationship I ever had. And all those ended. It isn’t selfish to learn what you need and tell your partner that. If you are honest with yourself and then vocalize that to your partner, I think in time adjustments can be made to make things work. Keep in mind that if you love someone hard, it’s not a bad thing….but it is what you want from them. And if they don’t love you like you want to be loved it isn’t because they don’t care about you….it’s because they have given you everything that they would require you give to them.
Love it weird. But worth it.